Jesus Christ has announced that the rapture has already taken place and everyone reading this article right now, has been left behind. He said, executive meetings with God, the Holy Spirit and his spokesperson John the Baptist came to the conclusion that since he has already warned that people will not know the place or time of his arrival, he didn’t see the need for all the other apocalyptic signs to take place either. He added that John the Baptist explicitly declared that although he intends to still get paid for his job as the “Voice in the Wilderness/Chief Executive Minister for Information, Gospel and Propaganda” he will no longer make any announcements for The Trinity.
When further questioned about the decision to announce the rapture after it had already happened, Jesus told this reporter “It is the prerogative of The Trinity to do what it likes, when it likes. When you look at other executives, for instance in Ghana, you will see that is how people do things. The ECG and GRIDCO both announced load-management-shedding-dumso after it had been affecting many communities for many days, so I don’t understand why the human race, Ghanaians in particular, are behaving confused”. After this statement Jesus became quite animated declaring “Ghanaians forget too quickly! Who was nailed to the cross? You forget too quickly. What we need moving forward now—even though the rapture has already occurred and there is nothing to save you—is your support”
This reporter called John the Baptist to ask him if he thought it was correct that he would stay in his role as spokesperson for The Trinity and continue to get paid even though he will no longer make announcements. “Look Mister Man, do not come and ruin my job for me! You want to ruin my job for me! I will not accept that. In Jesus’ father’s house there are many mansions. Do you know how many he has given me, his cousin?! Four. Just four. Do you know how much I have given? I am committed! You are for the opposition, the devil is a liar and he shall not win!”
This reporter doesn’t know whether to keep you informed of any updates on this story since it is evidently all over for us. We hear the Nigerians are waving their national flag with a hope to remind God that they have already lived through hell and should be given a chance at heaven. Ghanaians are therefore reminded that if they must go on vacation they should avoid the Federal “Hell-on-the-Earth” Republic of Nigeria at all costs. Dubai is the number one destination this year and all Ghanaians will be met on arrival by Kofi.